‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ is worse than the original

The original Transformers movie is a brain-dead special-effects extravaganza (read our review here). That movie’s sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, keeps the same balance of nonsensical plot developments and flashy CGI. But unlike the original, director Michael Bay can’t restrain himself one iota. This explosive movie is so jam-packed with mindless action that it begins to numb the senses after the first few minutes.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is, to put it mildly, a loud, dumb affair.

Shia LaBeouf is back as Sam Witwicky, the neighborhood’s likable nerd and the unlikely keeper of the universe’s secrets. He’s in a relationship with Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox), the hotty from the original, and still trying to live a normal life at home with his parents (the enjoyable Kevin Dunn and Julie White).

The cryptic object known as an Allspark, which was the central fighting point in the original movie, is now gone. However, some information from that object apparently finds its way into Sam’s mind, and the evil race of aliens known as the Decepticons want the details. And they want them now.

The actual information Sam now holds in his brain is a guidebook on how to use an Egyptian pyramid to blow up the sun … or something  ridiculous like that. There’s a prologue describing how ancient Transformers searched the universe looking for energy and then ended up on Earth, but honestly the entire back story feels like a creation of convenience. Why take a plot seriously if the movie itself doesn’t take the plot seriously?

Revenge of the Fallen doesn’t even try to make sense; the script, written by Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, simply chooses locales and situations for visual backgrounds. Did we really need a cosmic battleground in and around the pyramids?

The Autobots (these are the good Transformers), who have been working with the U.S. military since the original film, come to Sam’s rescue and wage war against the Decepticons and their recently resurrected leader, Megatron. Many of the old shape-shifters, including Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, are back.

Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson show up again as tertiary characters with no seeming purpose. Why are they in this franchise?

John Turturro is back, though this time he’s retired from government work ever since the secretive agency known as “Sector 7” shut down. John Benjamin Hickey, a recent Tony winner, plays “the suit,” an adviser to the president who believes that the Autobots need to leave the planet and then the Decepticons will follow.

All of this exposition and character work probably takes up 10 percent of the film. The rest is a mad fireworks display that is so loud and computerized that you attain a headache-inducing, zonked-out feeling as if you were playing a Final Fantasy game for 24 hours.

The CGI embarassment of riches is a true embarassment. It’s as if the special effects department had an unlimited budget and unlimited power on the set. With the movie chiming in at two hours and 30 minutes, Transformers 2 is an unrelenting mess that just won’t go away.

Do yourself a favor and skip this one, or at least grab some earplugs and pray to God.

By John Soltes / Publisher / John@HollywoodSoapbox.com

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

• 2009

• Directed by Michael Bay

• Written by Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman

• Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Kevin Dunn, John Benjamin Hickey and Julie White

• Running time: 150 minutes

• Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material

• Bubble score: 1.5 out of 4

• Click here to purchase Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on DVD.