‘Shark Night 3D’ bites the big one

Don’t expect Shakespeare when you go see Shark Night 3D, and you might just enjoy yourself. However, those unable to turn off their brain for 90 minutes will be sorely disappointed. The bloody horror movie, which is more Piranha than it is Jaws, simply lacks everything a good movie should have: logic, characterization, plot, believable acting. Heck, with its PG-13 rating, many of the deaths aren’t too bloody and all those bikini tops stay on throughout the movie.

I hesitate to describe the plot, because it’s inanity personified. Here goes: Sara (Sara Paxton) and her friends have decided to take a break from their studies at Tulane University and head to the nearby lake to booze it up and enjoy each other’s naked company. What the crowd of beautiful college students doesn’t realize is that the lake is teeming with several hungry sharks. It takes a near-deadly amputation for the revelers to realize that maybe something is lurking beneath.

Most of the characters are forgettable; their chief purpose is to be another shark victim. American Idol’s Katharine McPhee turns up as one of the hotties, and Joel David Moore does his best Dane Cook impression to offer a few jokes. Other than these two, I can’t remember individual actors or character names or anything. There’s nothing tying the audience to this shark bait.

Oh, wait, there was a cute dog.

Are there scares and thrills? Yes. A few of the scenes on the water are eerie and capture a definite uneasy feeling. There’s also one death scene that literally pops off the screen (thanks in no small measure to the ubiquitous 3D technology).

Director David R. Ellis seems to realize that the movie should have its tongue permanently lodged in its cheek. But unfortunately screenwriters Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg aren’t in on the joke. Everything is dealt with in a very serious manner, which is unfortunate, because the young cast can’t sell genuine terror. They may have been able to sell zany, like Piranha, but the cast buckles under the pressure of the overly dramatic. When one of the partygoers loses his arm, it’s hilarious how these supposedly well educated 20-somethings decide to deal with the situation. It would seem that the best option is to stay off the water, but, no, each of the characters decide to venture out on the choppy lake to try and save the day.

Is it wrong that I wanted these characters to get chomped up?

Like any other horror movie dealing with a body of water, several scenes are ripped off from Jaws, the enormously influential blockbuster by Steven Spielberg. With every passing year, that seminal 1970s film is proving to be an important piece of cinema. Shark Night 3D’s entire opening sequence is a retread of the first few minutes of Jaws, as are some of the deaths on the lake. The one new addition to the genre is that Shark Night introduces redneck hillbillies into the equation.

All of the sharks appear to be CGI creations, and this is probably the worst cinematic sin of them all. The villains, including a hammerhead and great white, look like a computer game. How can an audience be frightened of pixelated teeth?

• Shark Night 3D

• 2011

• Directed by David R. Ellis

• Written by Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg

• Starring Sara Paxton, Katharine McPhee, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Chris Zylka, Alyssa Diaz, Joel David Moore and Sinqua Walls

• Running time: 91 minutes

• Rated PG-13 for violence and terror, disturbing images, sexual references, partial nudity, language and thematic material

• Rating:

• Click here to purchase Shark Night 3D on DVD.